Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Life Reflections And The Effects of Traveling

I promised myself that I will be writing another entry on my New Zealand trip but I cannot muster any energy right now especially since there is only half an hour left before these candidates finish their exams. 

I have been feeling a little burnout since last year. At first I thought it must be because of the load of work that was piling up and the endless datelines that needed to be met.

As I delve deeper into my heart, I realized something was not making me happy. Instead, with the amount of work I constantly added on my plate, which I foolishly thought was making me happy and busy was actually working against me.

I also felt that there was a part of me missing, almost spiritually but nothing to do with my faith which was thank God quite intact.

But the confusion left me feeling depressed and down for months. I remembered the first withdrawal symptom I had was after coming back from New Zealand. I literally stayed in bed for 6 days giving jetlag as an excuse, when in fact I could not accept that life would return to all the bustling and crazy schedules again. I walked in malls aimlessly and felt that life was kinda empty and meaningless especially surrounded with the demands of materialism back in KL.

I probably never properly recovered from the first withdrawal issue anyway, because I had my second withdrawal symptoms again as soon I came back from Aussie in December last year. It didn't help with the economy being so bad and all. And recently after coming back from performing umrah, I felt the same way again.

There are reasons why I am feeling this way. In all honesty, I am extremely tired and exhausted of practising law. Call it a lack of passion or motivation or whatever, but my interest has really dwindled down more than ever now.

A wise man once said to me (met him through my invigilating exams session), in these 9 years of practise, you must have seen some of the dark things in life and I couldn't agree more.

I'm not saying that being a lawyer is all that bad but it isn't exactly a bed of roses either. How many times have you heard people say to aspiring lawyers to think of another job instead of pursuing law?

Coming back to that wise man, who would have thought he could read my mind. Indeed I have seen how justice is just a saying but never really truly achieved in my short stint of practise. I used to come with tinted lenses but now after being in this field for almost a decade, my eyes are wide open.

I must thank to partly my experience in traveling. If I hadn't travel, I doubt my mind would have expanded its' horizons.

Anyhow over the past year, I have learned on a personal level to be true to myself even if it doesn't make others too pleased or happy. I have learned that I am important and to stop judging myself and to know that how I feel of things in my own life does matter.

I am still learning to let go of people's expectations and instead just focus on my own expectations and Allah's.

I've learned through my travels that there is more to life than just focus on earning money and earning money like tomorrow never ends. I have learned that I don't need to feel important or fulfilled by having a busy schedule from Monday to Sunday but enough just by having a balanced life.

I long to have a job that is more fulfilling than just merely earning money. I want to make a change, I want to make a difference in this world. Is this too much for me to dream?

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